Are you meant to find it difficult telling the people you love that you think your life isn’t worth living,
Because most of my days are dark, regardless of the sun,
And everyday another mission to explain my minds struggles and wishing,
That I could grip a gun,
Hold it against my skull and enjoy the last breath before its over.
The glass shaped silhouettes on the shelf are better friends,
My real ones speak back and tell me why I should live,
They make me smile and pretend,
These make living a little easier with every sip,
The beginning feeling like a means to an end,
Before beckoning another,
I’d let a blade make art of my neck if it wasn’t for my Mother,
I love her.
Worse than heartbreak because love only weighs down hard on your chest,
Pains of the mind leave me dreaming that a tight rope would burn through the soft skin of my neck,
I’ve spent nights exploring scars and wondering what to decorate next,
Starting from the edges until the first strokes meet and connect to the rest.
Four bottles on a Friday,
Trying to see how many would keep me asleep beyond next week,
How many would it take for it to end and let them say that he was weak,
How many could I take before I beat my last streak?
Sink deeper with each,
Hold your breath and hope that you start drowning,
I hold one in my left hand, and the one in my right I’m downing.
Family day plans and struggling to be sober,
Looking for sensation –
Hoping I’m still dreaming and the nightmare of life is finally over,
Pillowcase tear soaked,
Because my mind bares too much weight to let them fall on my shoulder.
Blue light keeps me locked in a world seeded in our palms
But far from reality,
Desensitised to my own pain through exposure the worlds harms,
Everyday a quarter spent shovelling through shit that is digital –
Doing the same shit, living the same day,
Chasing something new but only ever finding a deeper meaning of insanity.
To anyone that loves me I know these are words you wished you’d never hear,
Once I thought the same, but now I’m trapped in this friendship with my fears,
But I’m not scared –
I only hope that you would smile if I chose to go,
I hope every star shines brighter
As I accept the silence of below.