away, in the grey.

Are you meant to find it difficult telling the people you love that you think your life isn’t worth living,

Because most of my days are dark, regardless of the sun,

And everyday another mission to explain my minds struggles and wishing,

That I could grip a gun,

Hold it against my skull and enjoy the last breath before its over.

//

The glass shaped silhouettes on the shelf are better friends,

My real ones speak back and tell me why I should live,

They make me smile and pretend,

These make living a little easier with every sip,

The beginning feeling like a means to an end,

Before beckoning another,

I’d let a blade make art of my neck if it wasn’t for my Mother,

I love her.

//

This pain…

Worse than heartbreak because love only weighs down hard on your chest,

Pains of the mind leave me dreaming that a tight rope would burn through the soft skin of my neck,

I’ve spent nights exploring scars and wondering what to decorate next,

Starting from the edges until the first strokes meet and connect to the rest.

//

Four bottles on a Friday,

Trying to see how many would keep me asleep beyond next week,

How many would it take for it to end and let them say that he was weak,

How many could I take before I beat my last streak?

Sink deeper with each,

Hold your breath and hope that you start drowning,

I hold one in my left hand, and the one in my right I’m downing.

//

Saturday hungover,

Family day plans and struggling to be sober,

Looking for sensation –

Hoping I’m still dreaming and the nightmare of life is finally over,

Pillowcase tear soaked,

Because my mind bares too much weight to let them fall on my shoulder.

//

Blue light keeps me locked in a world seeded in our palms

But far from reality,

Desensitised to my own pain through exposure the worlds harms,

Everyday a quarter spent shovelling through shit that is digital –

Doing the same shit, living the same day,

Chasing something new but only ever finding a deeper meaning of insanity.

//

I’m sorry,

To anyone that loves me I know these are words you wished you’d never hear,

Once I thought the same, but now I’m trapped in this friendship with my fears,

But I’m not scared –

I only hope that you would smile if I chose to go,

I hope every star shines brighter

As I accept the silence of below.

stained.

If you can find truth in what I say,

Then who am I to admit that I lied,

Why disturb your peace, or deliver hurt

If you could keep the look inside your eyes?

A selfish energy nurtured

Now, too late to change,

I keep my secrets (forever and always)

Within your heart, reserve my space.

Within myself, I hear

And so see

Every fault I own

And every fault, I let own me.

I play my hand, full of guilt,

Shuffling through the pain

That you would own, should you know

In a world where hearts are pure.

do us part.

I made our beds beneath the stars with eternity in mind,
For a time where our moments were forevers and the surface of the sea held us afloat.
Dreams were made as ours, and then mine,
Easier to drown alone in the centre of the sea with only thoughts,
Than to see you swim to shore.

I lay here eyes set on the sky with dirt and blood set between my fingers,
I hear time pass yet see the world stagnant,
The wind whistles like a beckon I hope your heart will answer, yet hopeless,
Easier alone at the centre of the Earth with only hope on the horizon.

With my hands and the guidance of my heart I dug our graves with eternity in mind,
For a time where our silence may draw our eyes central and keep our love forever,
Even if it means dying alone with only memories beside me.

king of hearts.

Various versions of a conspiracy,
Each different in their intricacy,
But all born from my mind,
And so you are plagued with our intimacy –
Come too close and you’ll know the extent of the measures used to keep you locked in proximity,
My hearts desires achieved at the expense of another’s energy.

These motivations may be fictions crafted by those hurt by the contempt of their own emotions,
Or these crafts are of my own conception and this world remains only within my head,
With their hearts trapped beside me.

Manipulation, in their words,
“Calculated, you are in your movements,
Yet hold no contingency for when we see through your eyes” –
It would serve naive to think all sights have been set upon when considering where to direct my actions.

Education in the ways of communication opened the path to redemption,
Seeing where I went wrong and where rights were to be made with further steps,
And yet I stand here with my back turned to the sun,
Beckoning you to join me as the light shines past my intentions –
Illuminating your way.

fall.

Up here is where I propose my funeral.
A height to remove guilt and shame, shattering my skull with bone piercing my brain –
Almost instant, but still enough to see colour explode before my eyes.
I have tempted fate on this ledge several times, hoping the wind would hold my hand,
Each time neglecting to bring a bottle as I’d planned,
To convince myself as I sank that it could be an honest mistake,
That this was far from fate
But every part of me, but my heart knows this is what I want
And it is only the heart that fails to see the truth of what lays in front –
An easy conclusion to questions and queries that plague each day,
A place where I will have my home, alone,
A place where you’ll remember me without feigning to care,
Where every memory left would be those we’d shared.
At times I’d hope you’d stand up here with me,
Just so we could walk away from the edge together
But I feel hope as I dream to fly,
And that same hope I have cast in my dreams within your eyes…
So as I go
We’ll fall together.

in time.

I have hoped for many months,
That time would heal my wounds,
I have hoped as seasons pass,
All I’d lost would find their way home,
I have hoped with each year gone,
No longer would I walk this realm with empty hands to the sound of silence,
All my days alone.

Each second an empty moment in a rotation,
I hope soon will become the next,
As they stack upon each other and fade into minutes,
Every waking thought that bares weight,
Seems less than life but more a test,
By day’s end and the beckoning of night,
I give my sight to the moon and hold my heart,
In hopes I may have my rest.

Constant contemplation of finding ways to prematurely –
Bring about the endless second,
If physics masters the fall of a bullet,
Or the force pushed upon the blade of a weapon,
Or if chemistry decides if when a liver is full it,
Tears itself apart and drowns all around it,
But a bullet and a bottle could both be products,
That under correct guidance bring about the end of a minute,
For more than most.

I have hoped one day they’d see the stones that fill my shoes,
But caring is governed by a switch and so should they chose,
Pain will go unseen and your screams will remain internal,
They will only notice when the reverse is made and the inside becomes external,
And contemplation is no longer consideration,
But the burden of pain is exhaled and the domino effect of the fall,
Eternal.

I may hope forever for all things I dream,
And what they I see may not be,
To them,
How it seems,
But if I hope forever and by tomorrow I see no change,
Maybe each second should come second place,
To the place I dream of and hope in time will take me,
I hope each month passed is but a measurement of what past,
I own, and if the present is a gift for that pain,
I beg forever that the future comes fast.

a day in tomorrow.

Starting with statements to catch your attention,
Keeping your focus to the curiosity of my amazement,
Listening is nothing more to us than word retention,
So fear not a conversation,
Our interaction may only last a moment –
And by the fall of a sentence on deaf ears,
Deaf ears may have fallen silent to sound.

Calculating what is,
Is no more challenging than the way in which the brain sets the pieces,
And if the puzzle suits our needs,
We are free to piece together scenes as we please,
Now with this motion I state this,
If honour killed the Samurai,
Beauty killed the butterfly,
Where words do damage a smile with hidden intention can burn skies,
For deception can be hidden far beneath the truth of any eye.

If beauty controls the hearts of men,
My feet may be planted firmly within the floor,
Yet should she choose that I will run no more,
Let me fly,
Knowing finding my feet will burden me never more,
But for a second within a moment let yourself dream,
That maybe there is more to life than what we shall see,
Or have seen of colours,
As colours change from concept to scene.

If I held the strength to part mountains,
And form paths between the sea,
Overwhelming thoughts would hold no force over me,
Constant contemplation would be put aside,
And space would be made for my heart to find,
A way to connect to thought,
For if I must think so far beyond a single curious moment,
By passion I should not be bound.

If in the end all I own are my words,
Then I will bare then across my chest until the final sight of the moon,
With ink settled on skin like oil on water,
These words will stay a testimony to every spoken statement,
But should I fade too soon,
For the world to catch me,
Then by your tongue hold favour upon my name.

I only wish you’d open your eyes to see,
Past what they say and what is said by or about me,
For eyes may distract from the truth,
And views may serve as the sun upon a lie,
A rose tinted confusion of possibilities,
And if a lie can be written into an unseen moment,
Or unspoken word,
The truth in its true form may form something that seems so absurd,
Though we take these scriptures as words written by the sky,
Bestowed upon man as an answer for questions of why,
Only our hearts may know what is,
Where our eyes show what we want.

We could speak forever and let the wind share our words,
We could revel in what ifs and consider pain without hurt,
Or we could dream and see colours bleed into the sky,
And find a new world that is confused,
Without asking why,
Our colours could come together in ways we choose,
Across the spectrum in ways that pierce the eye,
No more will rain fall grey,
Or grass grow green under blue skies each day,
Red will run through the world with pieces of gold,
And even as we grow and fall beneath the stars when we’re old,
Purple and Yellow will run through the air,
And what odds once worked against us will turn fair.

turbatio

They’re against us,
We only have each other,
Only us.

They don’t understand, it’s ok. Relax.

Pushing pens could never be enough for me,
Numbers and equations,
Countless combinations could never paint the sky I see,
This is all so much,
What Ethanol amongst what other chemicals tried to explain –
What was, and what is, what will be
Will always be the same –
Am I sane?
Sound of mind or lost,
Never to be the same –
In-sane, we see what is,
A mind so distant we may fall from the grace of gravity,
And dip beneath the sun,
Decisions to be made…
Between falling for some, one,
Or having a son, or two,
I feel the burden of an only child,
As a child with brothers, the youngest below three,
Eyes set on myself in the mirror,
Eyes wondering what would be if I was born another,
Any other, born or penned to be left,
By an unknown author.

You’re overthinking, you need to relax.

I sought to search through books and scriptures,
In the notion of knowing there is a world beyond death,
Maybe there are those consumed by pills beyond sober moments,
Heroin, Cocaine and prescribed potions,
Far beyond the vanilla conscious of an unspoken human mind,
When will I know it all? Or is there nothing to be known, after all,
I am only human, mind,
I can never be the judge of another,
Even as the youngest sibling,
Blessed with the wisdom, experience, loss and mistakes of a brother –
I am,
Only me,
Hoping to know what was known to those who came before,

No one knows everything, calm down, relax.

Close your eyes,
Pray for the dark and count to four…
Maybe the pain will be over before we find a path that comes before the pain, [1]
Would I fall or find the floor?
Am I me,
Or will I only know once my reflection speaks back? [2]
All moments, good and bad,
In time may resolve the same,
Am I insane? [3]
Falling through the floor,
Losing myself forever more –
Or will you hear my whispers, [4]
Or open your eyes to find me before,

Breath, deep breaths.

It’s too late,
Every moment already made fills this space,
Left by each never made mistake,
Connections together or connections severed,
Moments will be made either way.

It isn’t too late. I’m still here, you’re not alone.

beyond waters.

I’ve already built the foundations,
established the structures and
calculated the equations to bring the pieces together,
without the world falling through beneath me.

thoughts were never made to consider,
the consequences of finding myself in the company of another.
even without physical touch, the burdens of emotion
seem far too great.

all I have learnt from life’s gift of sight,
is that heavy breaths are distant vapors beyond the lake
I’m dying to meet.

days pass where the cold turns bitter and the clouds grow clearer,
maybe the winter is  a blessing we missed.

through veins beneath the ground I feel the voice of nature –
when she calls,
I hear an unanswered echo –
seeded within the seasons to push lovers together,
but closed senses may leave the call unanswered forever.

and so she pours the sea from the stars above us,
so we may retreat to the safety of shelter,
your clouds marking the motions,
of emotions movements, from day to day.

marks planted in the earth shape our journey,
running full circle to find warmth beyond our border.
the night sky so set in shades of blue and grey –
even without sight,
I feel your eyes soul searching so we may paint the sky together.

with each step undiscovered,
I wonder if your presence is but a dream,
questioning reality and my mind,
as your beauty
in my mind,
is unlike any I’ve seen.

pulses passing past the point of passive existence,
as our legs shuffle beneath us a little faster
on the path to personify our pleasures,
with no signal of guidance –
only the voice of desire governed by something higher
than humanity.

with more questions than answers,
these are the parts of existence we failed to comprehend,
but now I see clear….
with loneliness is sure to come the desire to find a friend,
for that is our nature –

to hold hands and see seas push past the horizon in hopes of finding,
something more than the certainty of tides rising.

amongst excitement I lose myself to sights i’m unsure of,
as I was familiar with the frequency of the stars,
but now I see more of –
above me they grow brighter than ever before.

factoring into my calculations,
situations I failed to note may arise;
that your face governs the brightness of my future, and
my destination lays within your eyes.

and yet even in the thought of our closeness,
beyond my blindness I come to find,
the clouds have switched positions
and we find ourselves stood on opposing sides.

but now,
blind clarity has made the depth of the challenge clear,
I must hold my breath and find new feet
to reach the goal set before me,
stripped of my second skin, I must stand to natures call
take the plunge and revoke my fear.

soon together, bound we shall be –
all I ask of you –
is to brave the cold –
and bide the time –
to see the tides bring me, before thee.

grey.

I imagine the sky’d turn grey
when the stars stop shining,
making way for clouds to shift and,
far rains to find their pace,
and start aligning as our sins beckon floods to fall.

convinced of the false nature of failure –
we poison the water to make way for more grey,
to carry the weight of our feet and,
metal beasts we forged in fire.

no more green below blue,
when we extinguish the sun,
and never enough sorrow in our voices
as we say sorry to a son,
or daughter who’s futures we warp in recent history –

fault, and blame, remain no mystery. .

she sent us signs from the sky and sea,
but never enough –
our condition demands from our ashes we burn more,
justified by the word of man and written to law.

to rape the earth –
a right given in irony by intelligence,
despite our failure to sail the sea
without painting her black,
and choking her skin into submission
to fuel out feast.

in pain, she would scream,
only for us to pull her further apart,
until tears turned to blood –
only to gratify our need to pierce the sky with fire –
man must escape the sky and push higher,
for our needs deem green is not enough.

our mark is made in grey,
and should we fall from grace
thank god we have our faith.
but no more, no long shall we set sail,
waves will rise and from our ships we bail,
to fall beneath the sea and see our children drown –

our sins filling their mouths
as the water embarks upon the land,
with a soft sound to beckon death before her,
for we must all choke on our sins,
and claim our advances,

for we had our chance at second chances.

one by one,
extinguished is each star,
what were beckons of hope now fall –
through the sky, flames from afar,
we will watch in horror as it rains war upon us,
and when the deserts turn to glass,
our sands shall remain no more.

and we will know fear,
as the sky swallows the sea –
no more blue no green.
like the smoke that rose from our towers,
now our skies are grey,
colour burns and our world is washed away –

what we have made is drained,
and before us lain,
and now our future is made
too late –
our skies forever grey.